Well the much publicised, much discussed General Election debate takes place this week with seven party leaders lining up to spout total rubbish.
What is the collective noun for mass debaters – a handful?
Most sane people will not want to sit through two hours of verbal and aural diarrhoea, so to save you wasting two valuable hours of your life I'm going summarise the seven participants and rule out all the no hopers, leaving you with a choice of …….. well read on.
Let’s get rid of the silliest of the silly parties first, the ones who should not even be participating in a national debate.
Plaid Cymru supporters can be identified by high pitched whiny voices, speaking a weird language which should have died out years ago.
They have a liking for home fires and are passionate about sheep.
It’s odd they are invited to take part in a national leaders debate, especially when you consider they are even an minority party in their own Principality.
The Scottish Nationalist Party are a bunch of English hating, left wingers (or should that be left whingers) who think they can hold the rest of the United Kingdom to ransom.
They do, of course, destroy the myth that Scots are a dour and serious race – you only have to look at their policies to see they are masters of comedy and fantasy. Their policies would probably appeal to any surviving Old Labour dinosaurs.
The SNP are also sore losers, having lost a referendum on Scottish independence they have shown a total lack of grace in defeat and will go to any lengths to try and impose their “ideals” on the rest of the country.
Now we come to the certified loony parties.
The Greens live in cloud cuckoo land and, being unelectable, can spout any amount of stuff and nonsense in their manifesto, which they have.
If you really think they have any credibility simply look at the mess they have made in Brighton, where they control the council. They even tried to impose “meat free Monday’s” in council canteens, until the bin-men revolted.
Greens are proponents of recycling and all things, erm green, yet Brighton council rates 302 out of 326 councils in its recycling record.
Let’s turn now to the other certified lunatic party, the Lib Dems, or maybe we should call them by their new name, the political prostitutes – after all it seems Nick Clegg is willing to dump his manifesto promises (remember tuition fees?) and jump into bed with any other political party to get a tenuous grip on power.
They are a small, minority, party for a reason, their policies are ridiculous and their opinion poll ratings are heading south.
This leaves three.
Where the SNP and Greens attract the “loony left” UKIP have, unfortunately, attracted the loony right, making them as unelectable as the others.
I say unfortunately as the party had the potential to be a major force in UK politics, especially with its anti-EU policy, however under Farage’s stewardship it has become a caricature of itself, attracting the loony right, becoming a magnet for the BNP and National Front supporters, justifying it’s name as the nasty party.
So now it’s down to two.
Labour is a party bearing no resemblance to the party it once was, whilst the Conservatives are a party bearing no resemblance to the party it once was.
Both have drifted to be homogeneous, centrist, non-entity parties, both led by non-entities you really don’t want leading the country.
In the pinkish corner we have Ed Miliband, the man with the charisma of a wet fish and the political clout of an amoeba and in the cyan corner we have posh boy David Cameron, a man so detached from the rest of the populous, he may as well have been parachuted in from Outer Mongolia.
Both the main parties have both been dragged away from their historic roots, much to the chagrin of their traditional supporters.
Indeed in a rare show of unity, both traditional Labour and Conservative party supporters equally lament the centrist shift of their parties and each can relate to the other’s pain.
Parties are now led by politicians who would not recognise a principle if it turned round and smacked them in the face.
I happily admit I had been a lifelong Conservative and I will still argue, until my last breath, that Margaret Thatcher is the greatest 20th Century, peace time Prime Minister but the party I once supported, once campaigned for, have been assaulted for, is no more. It has eschewed substance. Cameron has no principles to fight for, he is more interested in looking for the next soundbite or bandwagon, no matter how rickety the wagon is, to jump on.
Labour outwardly appears centrist but it still has its obnoxious, dangerous underbelly. Its leaders pretend to support working people but, in reality despise them, locating themselves in their Guardian loving fiefdom of Islington, far detached from the workers they purport to care about or represent.
The nearest they come to the so called “working class” is when they call in a Polish plumber to sort out their Jacuzzi.
This is the party of hypocrisy, that loathed and abolished Grammar Schools in preference to lowest common denominator Comprehensive Schools but continued to educate their own children privately.
Their economic policies still do what they always have done, bring the country to the verge of bankruptcy.
They are like the irresponsible spendthrifts who max out on their credit cards and when they run out of cash, their answer is to take out new credit cards rather than pay off their debts.
I have to say, as a person who hates and despises almost everything Labour stands for, I was delighted when Ed beat his brother David for the Labour Party leadership. Had David won the contest Labour would probably now be in line for a landslide victory. Luckily for their opponents, gormless Ed won the vote.
What really depresses me about this election is that out of a population of around 60 odd million people are we really suggesting that Cameron and Miliband are the two best options to lead this country?
That is why it is a waste of time watching the mass debating leaders, none of them is fit to lead the country.
I wish there was an option on the ballot paper saying “none of the above”, I could then simply put my cross in that box, as opposed to having to scrawl “none of the above” on my ballot paper yet again.